Walking through grief

In order for anyone to have a clear picture of our faith journey as it currently stands, I need to say something about what we've been through this year.

I am pretty lucky as far as mother-in-laws go. Actually, more than lucky. I had the best. I cannot recall one time that she ever criticized me and in just about any disagreement between Bill and I she took my side. There was no age-old archetypal war between us. She was a second mother. My favorite person to text my thoughts on the latest Dr. Phil episode. She was the best.

Hilarious, though not on purpose. Fiercely devoted to her family and particularly to her grandchildren. A woman of faith. A force to be reckoned with who kicked ass, took names all the while remaining full of class and self-respect. She was loving, never afraid to tell you if you were wrong and would be the first person to like your facebook updates. Without fail. She was a huge, pervasive and beloved part of our lives. And since 2009 she'd been battling interstitial pulmonary fibrosis. You've probably never heard of this non-smoking related lung disease though it kills as many people every year as breast cancer.

Around the end of March she went into the hospital. She died on April 8, 2015.

I could spend time talking about all the details of her fight and the days leading up to her death. But that isn't truly my story to tell. I can say that this event as been the single most difficult experience I've ever walked through. And not because of my own grief for a person who I loved. That is hard beyond words but it's not the worst part. The worst part has been watching my husband suffer through the loss of his mother and navigating the winding, poorly marked path towards healing and establishing a new normal.

Our shared faith has always been part of our relationship. Before we dated, Bill and I were initially friends. We met as freshman in college where we were both involved in a program for Christian leadership as well as various Catholic campus ministries. Our romance developed over time and our common faith was always a major driving force of our relationship and how we mapped our future. Over the years we have waxed and waned in our spiritual life (more about that some other time) but this uniting thread has never unraveled. We share a common belief about the universe and our place in it. Our spiritual word-view shapes our marriage and how we are raising our child and any others we may be blessed to have. We believe.

But the loss of his mother has shaken my husband. I won't say too much about it because, again, it's not my story. I will say that he is still a believer. But he's been lost. He's starting to come around but watching him be lost this year has been confusing, painful and scary.

The thing is, while he's a software developer now, Bill's undergraduate degree is in Theology. In our relationship he's always been the one with the answers to my faith related questions. For any random questions regarding our faith that's ever popped into my head, and believe me there have been a lot, he had the answers because he's probably studied it or read about it at one point. He's one of those annoying people who remembers just about everything he ever learns. It's hard to be too jealous though when it so often benefits me. As for me, I have more of an intuitive spirituality which often pulls me towards mysticism. He's always been my anchor. To see him struggle has been unbearable.

For months I'd fallen into the trap of sometimes sincerely believing that nothing good or happy will ever happen for us again. I know that's irrational. But it's been a very difficult year for us even without the catastrophic loss. This feeling of doom and darkness was starting to get pretty overwhelming until God finally started to get through to me.

Lately I've felt God calling me back. Softly, subtly. It's almost like he wants me to know that this is on me now. It's on my shoulders, fair or not. I am the one who will have to rise up for our family while my strong and proud husband works through his grief. I am going to have to be the one guide push or drag him back to where I know he wants to be. So I'm jumping back in. Because it's the only thing I know to do. Because all throughout my life, each and every time I have feared that darkness would win out, God always ALWAYS pulled me back. He always provided. He never let me fall. And he won't let my family fall now.

So here we go. Prayer. Patience. Commitment to spiritual development. I am dedicated to living through this, learning as much as I can and bringing my family out on the other side. We're struggling with a loss. Life is hard. But I believe God will never let us sink.

11/13

Sometimes I think timing is worth paying attention to. When my sweet mother in law passed away, she'd lingered in hospice for nearly two days. Right after she passed, within minutes, my father-in law's parish priest walked through the door. He was only coming to check on the family. But why then? Why at that exact moment?

I think we do have to pay attention to timing in our lives. And, right now, I am finding it sad and notable that on the day I finally get my act together to begin compiling my spiritual journey through this medium the news breaks about the terrorist attacks in Paris.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how people take faith in God and use it to justify horrible things. And don't misunderstand me, I believe that when this happens it is a perversion of true faith.

Things like this often make nonbelievers point to religion as something inherently harmful. But it's not. Violence and murder happen in every human context there is, as horrific as that is to acknowledge. Any time there is a separation from our true identities as the children of love itself, we stop seeing the intrinsic value of every other human being. We fall into the trap that pits 'us' against 'them'. And it's such an easy trap to fall into. I like to think that most of us, when we inevitably do make 'others' out of certain people, need only feel one tiny tug of compassion, that will immediately remind us of what makes us the same. He sneezes. She laughs. He does something so quintessentially human that it's impossible not to see him for who he is. A brother.

I think the terrorists who did these unspeakable things tonight, for whatever complicated reason, have removed themselves too far from their true identities. They are walking in the darkness that is the absence of God. They turned their backs on love. I don't pretend to understand the politics of how a group like the one that perpetuated these attacks comes to exist. I try to understand the best that I can but all too often my own anxiety stops me from delving too deeply. But I do know that they don't represent the faith they claim to be killing for. I know that much.

My husband is supposed to go to Poland next year with his father and some extended family. In fact, the whole trip is happening as a result of my husband's diligent genealogical research. I loathe that these people make me afraid for him to go.

These moments do try a person of faith. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. Just like everyone else. But I have to hold on to the belief that the world is still good. Blind fools walking in darkness do not speak for humanity. Parisians opening their doors to those who needed shelter in the chaos...that speaks for humanity. That is who we are.

Tell me all your thoughts on God

...and ask her why we're who we are...

Now that I have that song stuck in my head...

Something I am working on changing about myself is how I live most of my life feeling afraid. Afraid that I will never have what I want. Afraid that I will lose the good things that I have. Afraid that bad things are coming for us. I know that this is a form of anxiety. I know that it's a common experience.

But it runs counter to what my faith inspires me to believe. Jesus once asked Peter "Who do you say that I am?" If God were asking me that question, I'm not sure that he would be too pleased with my answer all the time. Because while I love him and am in awe of him, I'm definitely afraid of him. A little anyway. And not because he allegedly destroyed cities and unfaithful people for their sins. I don't think he did that.

At my best, here's what I believe about God.

• He is. My favorite name for God, the one that makes the most sense in my mind, is Yahweh. Which, most people probably already know, is 'I am' in Hebrew. He is. To me that sort of sums up the entire universe. He is. He is the essence of all things. The Alpha and Omega. Infinite and pervading all the created world and beyond. 
• God is love. The spirit of God, his very being, is a never ending giving and receiving of love. And that love is the energy that built the universe. 
• We are all looking for him. Whether we realize it or not. Human beings, while not more important than creation itself, are still the pinnacle of God's created world. What I mean by that is that we are indeed "created in his image". And so, we're the only creatures to be fully self aware and capable of abstract thought and love and creativity. Of course animals are emotive and amazing. I am an animal lover too. I know animals are capable of many complex emotions as well. But no other creature is quite like us. No other creature ever desired to travel into outer space. Or figured out a way to do it. And because we are the only creatures made fully in his image, with the capacity to fully love and dream and create, we are always looking for him. We seek our origin. Like St. Augustine said, "our heart is restless until it rests in you". A person may not be religious but it is the human experience to seek out something to fill the emptiness that can consume us. It's my belief that this is a longing for God.
• God reveals himself through history. Human beings have been called story telling animals. Stories, parables, figurative language. These are vital components to human communication. As old as the tribes of cave people sitting around the fire telling stories or marking cave walls with their hand prints. I think God is a story telling God. Sometimes he inspired people to express the truth of God in a metaphorical way meant to impart an overarching truth rather that factual events. Other times I believe he inspired people to record historical truths. The ultimate purpose of his revelation is to impart theological realities to us. Certain archetypes that appear throughout all human cultures, I believe, are examples of divine truth and common connection to one original source.

At my worst, here's what I believe about God.

• God deliberately withholds the desires of my heart to teach me lessons. If I want something too much, he's going to make sure I don't get it so that I learn my place. This makes no sense given that many things my heart longed for have happened to me....my husband, my daughter... 
• God has people who are more important to him. You know, like people whose lives always appear to be working out exactly the way they want it to with seemingly little effort. People born to families with money. Some people have more of his blessing than others. This is obviously not true because 'blessings' are all relevant to each individual person. And it's my petty jealousies and anxieties driving those thoughts. 

The key is to be at my best more often. I recognize that a predisposition for anxiety cannot always be helped and that's sadly my situation. But a huge contributor to my struggles is a simple lack of faith. An inability to relinquish control and be faithful that God has a plan for my life and that, whatever that plan is, it's all going to be fine.