Now that I have that song stuck in my head...
Something I am working on changing about myself is how I live most of my life feeling afraid. Afraid that I will never have what I want. Afraid that I will lose the good things that I have. Afraid that bad things are coming for us. I know that this is a form of anxiety. I know that it's a common experience.
But it runs counter to what my faith inspires me to believe. Jesus once asked Peter "Who do you say that I am?" If God were asking me that question, I'm not sure that he would be too pleased with my answer all the time. Because while I love him and am in awe of him, I'm definitely afraid of him. A little anyway. And not because he allegedly destroyed cities and unfaithful people for their sins. I don't think he did that.
At my best, here's what I believe about God.
- He is. My favorite name for God, the one that makes the most sense in my mind, is Yahweh. Which, most people probably already know, is 'I am' in Hebrew. He is. To me that sort of sums up the entire universe. He is. He is the essence of all things. The Alpha and Omega. Infinite and pervading all the created world and beyond.
- God is love. The spirit of God, his very being, is a never ending giving and receiving of love. And that love is the energy that built the universe.
- We are all looking for him. Whether we realize it or not. Human beings, while not more important than creation itself, are still the pinnacle of God's created world. What I mean by that is that we are indeed "created in his image". And so, we're the only creatures to be fully self aware and capable of abstract thought and love and creativity. Of course animals are emotive and amazing. I am an animal lover too. I know animals are capable of many complex emotions as well. But no other creature is quite like us. No other creature ever desired to travel into outer space. Or figured out a way to do it. And because we are the only creatures made fully in his image, with the capacity to fully love and dream and create, we are always looking for him. We seek our origin. Like St. Augustine said, "our heart is restless until it rests in you". A person may not be religious but it is the human experience to seek out something to fill the emptiness that can consume us. It's my belief that this is a longing for God.
- God reveals himself through history. Human beings have been called story telling animals. Stories, parables, figurative language. These are vital components to human communication. As old as the tribes of cave people sitting around the fire telling stories or marking cave walls with their hand prints. I think God is a story telling God. Sometimes he inspired people to express the truth of God in a metaphorical way meant to impart an overarching truth rather that factual events. Other times I believe he inspired people to record historical truths. The ultimate purpose of his revelation is to impart theological realities to us. Certain archetypes that appear throughout all human cultures, I believe, are examples of divine truth and common connection to one original source.
At my worst, here's what I believe about God.
- God deliberately withholds the desires of my heart to teach me lessons. If I want something too much, he's going to make sure I don't get it so that I learn my place. This makes no sense given that many things my heart longed for have happened to me....my husband, my daughter...
- God has people who are more important to him. You know, like people whose lives always appear to be working out exactly the way they want it to with seemingly little effort. People born to families with money. Some people have more of his blessing than others. This is obviously not true because 'blessings' are all relevant to each individual person. And it's my petty jealousies and anxieties driving those thoughts.
The key is to be at my best more often. I recognize that a predisposition for anxiety cannot always be helped and that's sadly my situation. But a huge contributor to my struggles is a simple lack of faith. An inability to relinquish control and be faithful that God has a plan for my life and that, whatever that plan is, it's all going to be fine.
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